No More Crumbs

copyright 2008 by Stefan Bolz

There is a line in A Course In Miracles I find myself thinking about often these days: "You don't expect too much from life but far too little". As I look at myself, I realize that, right now, I am accepting crumbs. I have to admit that, by and large, I am content with the scraps and left overs of life. I am cowering under a table filled with everything imaginable, but waiting for pieces here and there to drop to the floor. Barely enough to survive yet not quite enough to live. I mean this on all levels. Emotionally in relationships with others. Physically with money and work. And spiritually. I am too embarrassed and too ashamed to stand up and join the beautifully set table in the large magnificent dining hall of life. All my brothers and sisters are there. This meal, provided to us by love itself, has everything we need and plenty of it. But my thoughts still evolve around the idea that I am not a prince amongst princes but a thief, unworthy of lifting my eyes and beholding the sheer beauty of life's promise. I can barely function in this self proclaimed state of being. How could I? I am not made to cower. I am made to stand up with my head held high - not to distinguish myself from others but to join them in their magnificence. I am not made for scraps. I am made to accept my inheritance, my glorious self, our glorious Self. I could join my family at the table. But right now, I'm angry instead. Angry at the crumbs, angry at the ones who drop them, angry at myself for letting me get to this point of unrewarding existence within my tiny kingdom of lies. They are lies, for at some point I traded true magnitude for littleness. They are lies because I am content with scraps so I can blame 'them' for not giving me enough. I accept the lie within me that it is my fate to live this way. Who am I to get up and take my rightful place at the table? Who am I to betray all the others who are down here with me waiting for scraps themselves? Who will I be without this gaping hole within my soul? This reminds me of Emmilou Harris's song 'Orphan Girl': "But when he calls me I will be able to meet my family at God's table. I'll meet my mother, my father, my sister, my brother. No more an orphan girl.
Truth is, it is freedom I fear. It is love and it is freedom. It is true happiness that sends cold shivers down my spine. I am accepting crumbs, for my inheritance as a child of God is too threatening for me to accept. 'It is time for the frog to become a prince', a good friend of mine once told me. I am still waiting... waiting for a miracle to come. But while I wait for myself, I declare here and now that I will no longer accept the crumbs but that I will rather fix my eyes at the empty chair at the table. That I will stand up and accept my true identity: a prince, beloved son of a loving Father within a Kingdom ruled by Love Itself.