My Life's Script

Copyright 2008 by Stefan Bolz

At one of the 'A Course In Miracles' workshops I attended, one of our teachers suggested for us to, at some point, go to the place in our mind where we had written the script for this our life. This is, of course, much easier said than done. And he knew it too. Never the less, about 12 years later, a few months ago, I thought why not try it now. I had been going into some inner landscapes with my therapist for a while and I thought this might be the best environment to try to get to a point where I could see this place, and maybe even the script I had written for my life. I had no idea what to expect and tried not to have any expectations (of course, trying NOT to have any expectations usually brings about the opposite).

So, when I sat down with my therapist, I asked her, kind of out of the blue, for a piece of paper to write on because I had this strange symbol in my head and I wanted to put it on paper. It looked somewhat like the above image and I couldn't make anything of it at first. I also had no idea what it had to do with my script.

After we went through some relaxation I started to concentrate on the image. For a while nothing happened. Then it occurred to me that I was looking at it from above. High above. And suddenly it was embedded in a landscape that I looked at from a bird's perspective. I realized that what I saw wasn't a drawing at all. It was the top of what appeared to be a large pyramid or a Mayan temple. The top was square and the image I saw was actually the entrance to a round opening, not unlike a well. The lines across the crescent shaped object were steps going downward.

And now I started to see the temple from the side. Very long stairs went straight up on the outside of the temple to the plateau. I saw myself on top of the temple looking back down the long and steep stairs. This, I thought, symbolizes my spiritual journey. "I came to this point only to go back down again?" I asked myself. This moment of frustration dissipated relatively quickly though. I was always convinced that a spiritual journey is a journey of preparation and nothing else. Climbing up the long and steep stairs on the outside of the pyramid somehow prepared me for the next step - to enter the opening and climb inside.

I followed the path toward the large opening. With large I mean about 300 feet in diameter. The pyramid itself was about 1200 feet high. The view of the valley below was magnificent. I looked at the vast opening which was basically a black, round hole. After a moment, I started to descend down the stone stairs that seemed to just come out of the wall. I wasn't aware at first that there was water - all around the perimeter of the opening and flowing down the walls into nothingness. After a while I realized that to make only one full circle would bring me way down below the line of light and into complete darkness. I started to just set one foot after another and went from bright light to twilight and into a blackness so complete, I couldn't see a thing in front of me.

I was suddenly afraid I would accidentally step off the stairs and fall. The only thing stopping me from falling was the sound of the water that ran down the wall. I could hear it next to me and realized that if I just stood close to its sound, I would probably be fine. I thought for a moment that the water was my guide - like love on a spiritual quest - guiding me and keeping me from stumbling into utter darkness.

For a while nothing happened. Just one step after another. Then, without any forewarning, the stone stairs suddenly ended and I stepped into nothingness. For a moment I was suspended, hovering in the air - until I fell. As I fell I saw that I fell from the ceiling of a massive cave. The arch of the ceiling spanned at least a mile in either direction, touching the horizon far in the distance.

There was a very intense light, like the light of the sun, streaming down from a point in the arch and illuminating the landscape below. Beams of light spilled onto the hills below. As I landed gently on the grass I looked up and saw the now very small opening high above from which I came.

I started to walk and after only a few minutes I saw a large leather bound book lying in the grass. I sat down in front of it and opened its cover. I knew that this was what I was looking for. My life's script. There was just one word in the middle of the first page. Small, lower cased, typed in 12 point font, it said "Alone". I looked at the word thinking briefly about some of the times in my life when I felt alone. It was mostly after my parents separated. I was 11 and I stayed with my father. "Alone". I know this feeling very well. Not that I experience it all the time but I am definitely familiar with its feel, its emotional footprint on my soul.

I turned the page. Again, just one word. "Separate". The white page around it made the word even more prominent. I turned the page again: "Abandonment". I turned the page again: On the left side I saw names. Hundreds of names. As I read through them I realized that these were all the people I knew. From when I was in kindergarten through school and my teenage years into adulthood and up until now. The page was filled with names, including my parents, former girlfriends and wives, my son, my sister, my friends, etc. On the opposite side of the page stood but two words: "Find me".

I turned the page again. On the left side was a spreadsheet - or something very similar to it. It showed amounts: amounts I owed on credit cards, my mortgage payments, several tax returns, bank accounts, expenses, incomes, etc. The page was filled with numbers. Basically a summary of my financial situation. On the right side again just two words: "Find me".

I turned the page again. On the left side was the drawing of Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man. On the right side, the same two words: "Find me". The remainder of the pages was empty. "This is it?" I thought. "This is my life's script? Alone, separate, abandonment, and 'find me'?"

I closed the book and as I looked up there was a massive cross hanging suspended in the air in front of me about 50 feet above the ground. It was made out of light, emitting a slight glow against the grey sky. As I looked around, I saw behind me a wooden bench, like the ones you find in a church. I sat down on it. As I sat there, the bench suddenly started to extend to the right. Another bench appeared in front of me, then one behind me. More appeared until there were two rows of benches, just like in a large church. I sat quietly for a while, by myself, close to the middle isle. I thought this must have been the remnants of an old cathedral at some point. No walls were left, just the benches, the altar and the golden cross in the sky.

Now, one by one, people appeared on the benches. There were colleagues of mine, present friends, my parents, best friends from high school, my son and his mother, my girlfriend and her daughter, a few clients of mine, some people I only met once in my life but had some kind of a connection to, and others. The 'church' filled with people before my eyes. It was the most beautiful thing to watch. Everyone sat there in deep reverence. The faces I looked at were completely free of any fear, conflict, or sorrow. There was no pain in them, whatever each of their situations had been before. There was, on each of the faces, a deep expression of gratitude, honor and love. Gone were any past conflicts, hurts, wounds, and disappointments. It felt that on this holy ground we were on, where we all came from did not matter. Our past never was, and all of us were in a state far beyond our small selves. Each of the faces was so incredibly beautiful that I started to cry. There was nothing between us except complete understanding that we were not separate, that abandonment was impossible and that we could never truly be alone.

I sat there for a long time looking at the faces, being deeply touched by the expression of utter love on each one of them. Slowly, out of nowhere, I heard a chorus in the background. It wasn't really singing. More like a humming. One single note from all of us reaching towards the heavens, uniting everything within its glorious grace.